this is my world

peace for rhys

hey rhys

i can't believe it's been three years since you died - and if i can't believe it you can certainly bet on the fact that others will not believe it also - and certainly not want to believe it, if the truth is more plainly spoken

i've talked about you a bit in the last few weeks - there's been an odd set of coincidences that have lead to this

last week i had to go and visit a man who was on his final journey too, and i was privileged enough to see him for the last four or five of his good days and on one of those last days that i went to visit him and his wife i walked in, listened for a second or two and announced "that's vinyl -  i'd know the quality of  that sound anywhere.  miles davis, too, if i'm not mistaken, 'summertime' from the 'porgy and bess' soundtrack, no?"

this won me some super big props on that day, and it segued naturally into how i knew this

so i told the story about you, and your dad, the common love of music and aural exploration you both shared and also 'fessed up about the time that i visited your house and thought that ed's giant speakers were amazingly big heaters

after the laughter died down the universe in all it's karmic circularity revealed that this man in fact was a classmate and peer of your dad's

last year i had to go to one of our old flats for work, and i was so remarkably restrained in not asking to look around - to go and see the hot water cupboard where spike spent 2 days and nights only to emerge soporific on heat and so dehydrated he drank a whole bowl of water without stopping

i satisfied myself with the living room because it was the same as i remembered it, and that reinforced my belief in my good will hunting memory - that the way i remember things is the way they were

and this picture, this one of you and me from 1995 outside linda and andy's flat on cargill street - well, that's how i remember us

and that's how we were, for such a short time in this weird game of life that i can't quite seem to learn the rules to

i remember you today

hope the time is right for it

you can kid yourself for so long, and you can kid your expensive friend for so long

like, 5 years or so and counting - at least. let's just concentrate on the recent past and not ancient history

what a waste - time, money, life unlived, potential unfulfilled, yada yada yada

and then there's the two years you spent in the shit storm hell of push/pull compulsive masochism without chemical augmentation

but suddenly you're there, in the moment and with the man your life seems to have been leading up to
and even though it's everything you've wanted and hoped for and thought you'd never get - to have it is too much because it's foreign and frightening, and you find you can't ante up without more than a little something something, and then a lot more of a little something something

so you're back on the ssri slow dance in order to cope with the lovely man who is lovely to you - go fucking figure, right?

and believe me, it's a s_ l_ o_ w dance.  days are weeks, weeks are months and let's not think about the possibility of years

so stick your fingers in my mouth, pull my lips back and watch me smile - oh, i take direction so so well

and god help me, but i think mr d'arcy going to catch me on my troubled portion

minerals, ice deposits

rhys would have been 38 today

i still pretend he lives in wellington

i realise that's not as easy for other people in his life to do, but hey - whatever gets you through, right? (and quite obviously by you, i mean me, hey?)

when i went to pavement in auckland last year he was all i could think about through the two bottles of sauvignon blanc and the bourbon and coke chasers, surrounded by all the same people that we used to go and see pavement with at sammy's in 1993 and 1994

that's a long time ago - at least three of my lifetimes ago.  quite the time warp - way more than just a jump to the left

this was always my favourite pavement song, right from the first time i heard it at the ripe old age of 17 and rhys used to say it reminded him of me, no doubt because of the line "i saw your girlfriend and she was eatin' her fingers like they're just another meal", me having been a recidivist nail biter since back in the day

he's still in my life and i think of him often - there's so much common musical discovery we had together

i just wish i could share with him some of the new stuff i've found and learned, because i miss my friend

but that's nigh on imfuckingpossible

so i'll just wait there, in the levee wash, mixin' cocktails with a plastic tipped cigar

i'll be waiting forever

when you can't see me anymore

i wish it were simple

classical music

left my pavement b-sides cd in the work car for a week when i was AWAY

sorry jackie

she doesn't mind when i leave billy joel or rod stewart behind, but i've come to learn she doesn't like nwa, public enemy, the beastie boys or rage against the machine

might double check with her about the sordid sentinels, though.  who WOULDN'T love them?

i know, right?

when i come home to you, invercargill

oh hai - i'll concede it's been a while

but do you know what?

things are pretty fucking great, actually

i get to be here in my lovely new flat, all by myself after an interesting and cool (ha! lame pun coon!) day at work

i had my wife over for dinner in said new flat and we drank wine and talked a ton and watched cruel intentions

and now i get to blast tony bennett and and sing along at the top of my lungs to my heart's content

and do you know what else?

my heart is pretty fucking content <3

the secret (agent) life of chirst

i just got home from work and had a 'chuck' moment

the moment where everything pours into his mind at once

one time bajoolies said to me

"you know what?  you're kind of like chuck.  you live with your sibling and you have this mysterious secret other life we don't know about"

correct

it's all about the clearance

no, i'm just a fool (who plays it cool)

you don't spend nearly two years in what might as well have been training for a long distance relationship without getting a few tricks up your sleeve

just how many aces i've got remains to be seen, though

as always, bro

as always

feel like i'm fading away

i suspect it's because i've skipped 14-16 straight to 12-14

that really is what you call cutting out the middle (wo)man

gather round all you clowns

dexterity for posterity

just LOOK at his fingers!  LOOK at what they can do!

oh - did i forget to mention mr d'arcy is dj too?

my mistake



blacklist

"an' if ya got a problem with this

let me know so i can add ya fuckin' name on my list"

slash and burn

it's what we like to air guitar to in caversham on a monday night whilst creating work car playlists

work car playlists to be distributed to the rest of the gang

yes, gang

we've got names and a fist bump and everything

this is your health dollar hard at work, people

the tender trap

i never thought one of the things i could say to woo a boy would be

"actually, sweetie, i think you'll find it's admiral ackbar who says "it's a trap!""

thank you, brain :)

brain no go

i warned you somewhere around the 3 and a half week mark that this was too much time to be away from work

and then with the unfortunate event and subsequent recovery it's been nearly six weeks

the interweb can pull you in

just
like
that

and unhinge your tiny little mind

perfect comic timing

i watched "family guy:it's a trap" for the first time today

i could not believe the timing, bro - it was comically topical and eerie at the same time

superfly tnt

see more Memebase and check out our Troll Face lols!

why, yes

yes, i am

infernal monologue

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it's kind of like when you're out walking with your ipod on and you feel like you're in a music video or a film

don't do the narration out loud, though

that's a no-no

i'm too much i'm too much comforted here

this is the other single pavement released in 1995

i saw them play at sammy's in 1993 and 1994 and then i got to see them last year on the awesome trip with my girl carrie - who was originally going to live in the york place monstrosity too

it has some of my favourite lyrics in it of all time

"callin' the bluffs, talkin' so tough
goodbye to the ugly steeple fear"

this is (quite obviously) me being a rock chick in 1995

and then i became wildly successful and had to record an unplugged session, too

if you wear your pyjama top all the time you only have to get dressed half as much

grunge was the only thing i wore for years

it was a hard habit to break

kiss me into the past

back in 1995 i was living in a violent green monstrosity on york place with rhys, jim and susan
we would hang out with kelly (jim's girlfriend and now wife), linda and andy and sometimes susan's friend angela
it was the year i started liking friends, seinfeld and er. sebadoh, beck and guided by voices
i saw throwing muses play at orientation
i went to some university, but not a lot
we had a dress up party where i dyed my hair black and cut a fringe in so i could be uma thurman from pulp fiction


in the last month i have caught up with jim and kelly, linda (and grant, but he didn't exist for us yet back here) susan and angela

linda and grant had photos from back in this time and we got to sit around and tell stories about that year, which was pretty cool, especially because i got to play photography csi (what can i say? i has a gift)

jim and kelly and i watched the video he made back in 1995, which shows all of us at the flat, my cat spike lee included

tonight after dinner at etrusco with susan and angela, i drove susan and i past the old house on york place - it's still luminous green on it's city facing flank

and do you know what? on my trip to wellington the other week, i read kristen hersh's book about the early throwing muses days and the onset of her bipolar disorder

i'm totally digging this circularity, universe. we all know i love the 90s - well, 1995 was one of my favourite years and these people were (and still are) among my favourite people

and we all look pretty much the same as we always did, just kinda better.  well, i think, anyway :)

long < > ision

always

the

correct

number

check please

i think i might need to check my own self


maybe

lolcat of the day

just imagine if i discovered something

a non prescription something

that promises to help with

sleep

anxiety

mood

stress

nightmares

weight loss

headaches

and now 'mask' with eric stoltz and cher is on tv

it really IS year of the rabbit, y'all

so why i've not yet bought a single lotto ticket this year is beyond me

cucina amore

do you know what?

i think i will make spinach and ricotta cannelloni for dinner on friday night

i've just been having a wee consult with my man jamie, and i think we're looking good

i'm also thinking an interesting green salad with fresh herbs, toasted pumpkin seeds, crumbled bacon and home made croutons teamed with my mean as secret vinaigrette recipe - it's first outing since retirement 8 years ago

and i do believe some of that mammoth peanut butter ice cream will finish things nicely

i might need to wear my new skinny girl skirt and new purple italian leather pointy toed cuban heeled ankle boots for the event, though

hey - you know nigella would

pot, kettle

i think the reason i find hipster kitty so funny is she's a little too close to the bone sometimes

ha ha

"close to the bone!"

so mature, bro

also, last week i felt a little bit hipster kitty, putting on my skinny black trousers and high top black converse for my walk through newtown

but it was like a uniform

no

camouflage

pyroclastic flow from the volcano girl

dear internet i <3 you mc chirsty XXX

good, beta, best

just back from extended weekend away, where i got to go to some really amazing places that i can't believe i've never visited before

planning my week in wellington, which kicks off on wednesday - my posse's always ready and they're waitin' in my zone

chilling out at princess fiona's and getting ready to go for a walk with myresa - i think the exercise train might be cranking up. might, but can't rightly say just yet

the knowledge that i've made someone's day and they've yet to discover it but it could be anytime from now

i think there's something in this year of the rabbit business, y'all

ruff stuff

i think the corona is going into indie music withdrawal

i've got news for it regarding the musical choices for friday's road trip

 and buddy,

it's all bad

the pursuit of happiness

lie in
breakfast at starfish out on the balcony
walk on the beach
baby shower
'breaking bad' - season one
early night

i forgot sundays could be like this

outlook for thursday

mighty MIGHTY headache - segue into day 1, 2, 3

impertinent weather hampering my efforts to empty the laundry hamper
(ok, that's where for 'laundry hamper' read 'entire floor of bedroom')

kitchen bench completely occupied with dishes of the dirty variety

a copy of 'jarhead' that needs to be watched before i return it 2 days ago

grocery shopping to be done

bathroom to be cleaned



otherwise fine

fine, fine, fine

lolcat of the day

hey

i just sent myself a text to the work cellphone i will be using tomorrow

which means

i won't get it til tomorrow

i wonder what it says

solitaire

today is not a day to wallow

today is a day for giving thanks

i give thanks that i am single

and

i give thanks that i didn't end up with anyone i've met in the last couple of years 

chur, universe - you had my back all along

muy appreciada

diametrically opposed

this is how i started my monday
i woke up and realised i suddenly really like ratm
kinda like how i woke up last week and realised i liked rod stewart

i'm lying in bed, having been awake since four
thought i'd truly get the jump on this monday, bro
so i watched the rest of "grown ups", which was a nice little movie
and now i'm lying in bed, planning my day if not my week

coffee. coffee in a big way needs to be part of my morning

sunday night playlist

the getz and i like it when this comes on solid gold fm 90.2 dunedin

prepare for relaunch

bought myself some new running shoes this morning

they're the exact model i bought 14 months ago

but in a different colour

i sure do like to live life on the edge

i forgot about my left foot being markedly bigger than the right

it gave me something to talk about with the cute running shoe boy @ smiths

myresa said "why didn't you ask him out?" via a text message on the cellular mobile telephone

because he was about 25, that's why

and also because i think i would die before asking someone out face-to-face

prepare for relaunch of atonement anytime soon

not sure exactly when

but for now we'll stick with soup, yoghurt, fruit and sugar free v

too legit to quit

i spent a good amount of time cleaning out the mighty corona today

like, 3 hours or so

some of this time was due to dealing with the large pools of water that had collected in the boot underneath the spare tyre and the tool well.  blech

and i took it to this cool warrant place on hillside road, where you just drive in and they do it while you read john irving novels in the waiting room

the man came up to me and said, "now, just a couple of things"

which i knew would happen.  one of the things was the chip in my windscreen.  i'd had it fixed by novus and i was a bit dubious about it, because it still looked pretty chippy and pretty star shaped to me.  so i made them write a stamped and signed work order saying that they had fixed it to some proper standard.  which is what i showed the man and he ticked it off the list.  hurrah for me!

the other thing was the smashed and mangled passenger side mirror.  now, the ltsa vehicle testing station has been passing this for the last three years, so i never thought it was a problem.  the man said i either had to get it covered or remove it.  i said i'd remove it and then he fetched some tools and did it right there on the spot.  there's a black triangle bit of the side of the door where the mirror used to be, and he said "just get your husband to fold an icecream pottle or something and put it in there and it'll look fine".  and i said "ok, i will".  yes, yes.  i know.

when i went to pay and get the registration (for! a! year! totally mature, bro) sorted out i asked him "where would i get my windscreen washer fixed?  it doesn't squirt anymore even though there's water in it".  he said "i've fixed it already for you" and i was super super happy.  the end

let sleeping dogs lie

yes
my new favourite song is from 1973
i like to awooo oooooo oooooo oooooo oooooo yeah around town with the window down and the radio up

que cera cera

i'm still driving around this fair city with solid gold fm on the work car wireless
i hear this song at least once a day
and i just about pmsl
every
single
time
without fail

i can has suck

text messages between me and my brother lately

chirst: hey, did you ask bajoolies if i can have your old vacuum cleaner?

david:  you can have the vacuum.  i abhor it