DSMIV - possible indications of MDE (revised)

be aware should anyone you know rent the following in one go:

1. stepmom
2. shadowlands
3. how to make an american quilt
4. an officer an a gentleman
5. sabrina the teenage witch season 4

they may also request:

1. sabrina the teenage witch season 2 (having watched season 3 in it's entirety in <24h)
2. 21 jump street season 1

visual cues to be aware of:

1. caramel popcorn stuck to clothing and/or hair
2. bag of comprehensive junk food items next to bed
3. continued renewal of ice cream items in freezer following depletion of similar items
4. appearance of processed cheese items in refrigerator - notably chesdale smoky flavoured cheese slices

anger management

i've taken a short break from sabrina the teenage witch to watch this film

i know, i know, what on earth drew me towards this film at the video store?

i've not a clue

not a one

"marge, this homemade prozac needs more icecream"

ingredients:

• deep south hokey pokey icecream (plenty)
• cornflakes
• cottee's ice magic chocolate icecream topping - hokey pokey flavour

method:

• mix icecream with two handfuls of cornflakes
• drizzle liberally with ice magic chocolate topping
• return to your cocoon
• combine with 12 episodes of sabrina the teenage witch (season 3)
• await coma

3

2

1

atonement

sunday - participate in the 2009 cycle surgery rail trail classic 100 mile (150km)

omakau - ida valley (20km approx) - 1 hour 15 min

wedderburn - waipiata (20 km approx) - 1 hour 10 min into headwind with magpies divebombing your head

team result - 150km in 8 hours, 16 min

ow

season to taste

today i plan on doing fuck all
because of the broken

i did, however, happen to notice last week at united video that they have sabrina the teenage witch on dvd
this seems perfect for my needs which are

staying in bed
doing very little
avoiding the thinking trap
continued regression to 90's without aid of delorean
voluntary solitary confinement

this song is also at the end of the movie to die for, when ileanna douglas is skating victoriously on the ice

i know this because i do happen to be awesome, but today i'm going to take the day off

about tomorrow - i'll let you know, but i wouldn't count on it

friday on my mind

it's before 11pm, and i'm in bed - alone, naturally. except for the growing collection of Very Important Stuff that collects under the pillow of the Other Side of the bed, which currently consists of (but is not necessarily limited to):

• dvd player remote (when it's not being lost in the growing piles that attempt to take over my cell)
• symbicort inhaler (prevention is better than cure)
• tissues (blue ones at the moment)
• books (presently rose madder and gerald's game by stephen king)
• music for men cd by gossip

i've spent today doing not so much. went to the gym, bought a bike tyre inner tube, went to kathmandu for some polyprop gloves, went to the warehouse and got a polyprop top and some biking tights (these are Super Very Attractive, and i would consider wearing them to a social occasion. they make my legs look like superhero action figure legs, and when is that ever a bad thing?) before laughing it up in front of Rove. post gym i settled into bed to keep warm in the terrible horrible weather we're having and watched pump up the volume. so not only am i regressing into my 90's indie rock scene, i'm also soaking myself in movies from the same decade. i watched la story last night, which i adore, so i'm quite happy here, 19 years ago.

i'm also trying to get organised for the rail trail 100, which is on sunday. i'm a little bit more than a little bit apprehensive about this, on many levels. i've never been to the rail trail, so i don't know what to expect. surely all this mountainous gradient riding i've been doing around the hills of dunedin is going to set me in good stead. i'm going up in the truck with myresa tomorrow, and we're staying with her sister and some of her other friends. the only person i know is myresa, which is a tiny bit daunting. i think myresa and i are also sharing a bed, and she's forewarned me today that she's "as restless as a cricket during the night, and i have to get up to pee three times". so between my bedpal and the daylight savings adjustment, i think saturday night's sleep could be a precious commodity of which to be in dogged pursuit of. she was, however, kind enough to ask if i was bringing my own book, or would i like her to read me a bedtime story?

tonight i also figured out the miracle device that is my hydration pack. this is a backpack that has a bladder in it that you fill with liquid that has a tube coming from it that goes around to your mouth and you can slurp away during your prolonged period of activity to prevent dehydration. it holds 2L, which is grand, and i plan to fill it with the special lemon chill endurance carbohydrate caffeine mix that i'm sure gives me special powers. if i fill it with this then i won't have to worry about eating during the riding. now, the plan was that i was in a team of 4, and we'd end up biking around 40km each. but someone is sick, so the quota of km has just been increased. this is cool because i've lain awake night after night praying for just this. also it would be stellar if the wind and snow and rain were all there on the day, too.

so, i've washed and dried my clothes. i've washed out the hydration pack so it doesn't taste like rubber (iknow, i know, who doesn't enjoy THAT flavour?). i've made a list and checked it twice. i've actually watched all 4 of my weekly hire dvds and am ready to return them tomorrow (it's on the list, therefore it's law that it must happen)

so, i'm ready for saturday and it's rollerskating jam

chirst ouT

atonement

20 minutes crosstrainer
20 minutes spin bike
15 minutes on the mat pretending to do abs and stretches but mainly checking out the gym hottie i haven't seen in a while

i tried to keep her on a short leash

i'm still awake from last night and yesterday

i couldn't sleep, and i finally figured out why

i couldn't sleep because i am too angry

it gave me the burning in my chest, and i had to get up and have some gaviscon for it. burning angry rage that keeps you awake is one of the conditions indicated for it's use on the side of the bottle

it made me too hot in bed. too hot and it was /is so windy outside, and i just felt/feel all scratchy and full of incandescent rage

you can't fight the seether

so i read my book and i finished my book and fell into the interweb again

and then i put on my yellow t-shirt and black jeans and red/white puffy jacket vest and black converse allstars and got up to do an angry dance through the house

it hasn't helped

not
one
bit

i ring the doorbell in your mind

ah, 90's indie rock cocoon, all wrapped around me again

i don't think i'm ever going to get out

ever

i like it in here

so here i'll stay

and when/if i emerge

i'll be a beautiful butterfly, right?

right?

because it is bitter and because it is my heart

hey, listen up

• you
• you

and

• you

just do it already. please.

atonement

20 minutes crosstrainer
30 minute boxing session

crumbs

i'm craving cake again

lots of it

and bajoolies has even made a batch of the awesomest brownies, which are at this moment just through the door - a forcefield i know i have the means to overcome

but

given the overindulgences of last night, i think i'll have to settle for this kind

sigh

stoopid long run outlook ruining my quest for immediate satisfaction

clean up your act

i told myself i would clean up my room today
i near on promised myself
it's a given that going for lunch at thai hanoi on moray place and then to rialto to see funny people will hamper progress

possibly irreparably

lolcat of the day

how do they know?
i bought the cheap no name cat fud this week
the outside meows do not like it at all
"no, no, no, chirsty!" they say "we don't like it!"

sorry, meows. but that's all there is

saucy

i didn't spill red wine on my dress
no
i spilled sweet chili sauce down it

so this afternoon, i was friends with frend

change of allegiance

sorry, south dunedin video ezy

i'm going to start seeing another video store
we don't have to break up or anything
but just so you know
i will be frequenting south dunedin united video

they had charlie bartlett, right there on the shelves
they have trillions of tv on dvd sets
i'm not altogether sure about their ordering of things on the shelves, though
and they took a photo of me for my membership when i wasn't ready and i was looking less than ideal after the mid key shenanigans of last night

but i like them and i want to see more of them
just thought you should know

atonement

bike caversham to silverstream and back

wish fulfillment

oh
my
god

just imagine it
my little 90's indie rock american guitar band heart would explode

first the pixies (what i've neglected to mention here that i do have tickets and flights to the vector arena concert in march 2010)

and now

pavement reunion confirmed

stephen malkmus is actually in the country at this precise moment, up in auckland with his band the jicks. they're playing with the verlaines

i might stay in tonight, though. got to conserve some energy for the biking and partying tomorrow

please enjoy responsibly

€
€
€
€
€

stoopid keyboard
this is the second time this week i have wanted to use the "pound" sign
but i don't have one

so my head is euroing instead

accountability

• speed dating - $10 (because you're tight with jane and an excellent participant)
  
• wither hills sauvignon blanc - $7/glass (4 glasses)
  
• mac's spring tide - $6 at velvet burger north dunedin @ 0125
  
• cab ride from the octagon to corstorphine - $16
  
• meeting a very cute, very funny, very nice smelling man who says delectable things to you and can also outquote you at the simpsons but wasn't at the speed dating - priceless

atonement

bike caversham to fairfield
hour long walk
bike fairfield to caversham (singing this song out loud will help you up stevensons rd, which is deceptively inclined)

regression to 90's indie rock scene: 85% complete

tell it like it is

push it down
push it around

atonement

17 minutes on the cross trainer (hr 157)
5 minutes running on the treadmill

punishing 30 minute boxing session where you collapse on the ground and richard thinks you are only pretending to cry so you carry on letting him think that

lolcat of the day

hey guess what?

you know how i caught that mouse last night?

i'd set two traps

i'd just finished showing bajoolies the one i caught last night as i bagged him up and consigned him to the wheelie bin

and i went back in my room

and the second trap was full of mouse

i did have the fleeting thought as i went to sleep last night that where there's one there might be more

so it logically follows

where there's two there might be more

and they know tricks and have things to inflict on me

sigh

mouseover

time of death: 12.44am

returnin' vermin

oh god
oh god
oh god
oh god
oh god

there's a mouse in my room
and he KNOWS what we did to the last one
he SAW
he's going to get me
he looked right at me before i had a conniption
and i think i can hear him assembling devices behind my bed for to use against me

oh god, i just heard him again

i'll have to get up and get the weapons of mouse destruction

note to self: do not stand on weapons of mouse destruction in the morning

c is for craving

cheese

cake

cheesecake

cream

chocolate

cookies

caramel

chicken

coca cola

corona beer

custard

cabanossi

chips

crisps

cheezels

cornflakes

corned beef

cashews

candy

croissants

&

caramel popcorn

atonement

20 minutes on the cross trainer
25 minutes on the spin bike, with 8 minutes up in a row

ten crunches (3 sets)
ten alternate leg extensions (3 sets)
10 pressups (2 sets full, 1 set girly)

hypothesis

no, no

no time to talk at present

conducting an experiment

for rhys

if you'd told me
this time last year

there's a hole in my wellbeing

atonement

21km walk
3 hours, 16 minutes, 40 seconds

walk the walk, talk the talk

so today i had to pretend to be a real cyclist and go into r&r sport to buy a day glo yellow jacket for to be seen on the roads
turns out lots of cute, funny outdoorsy athletic boys work there. one of them helped me with trying on my jacket, and he was oh so dreamy. sigh

i'd also spent half an hour in rebel sport prior to that, picking out a black adidas waterproof jacket in case the weather tomorrow is not all sunshine and lollipops for the half marathon

both jackets are as extremely fitting as can be without being too small. i hope this really is the case with the black adidas - the day glo was fine. it's also brighter than anything created in nature, and like the light from the top of the luxor hotel pyramid in las vegas, when i wear it i can be seen from space. i hung it on my chair when we stopped for coffee in port, and it reflected onto the couple at the next table, making them look like they had nuclear jaundice

i also thought i would have finalised what i am going to wear tomorrow. it'll certainly be something to ponder while i eat my brown rice and salmon for breakfast. definitely my mt riley winery cap. i bought a case of wine two years ago from them and i got a free cap. so tomorrow, i will be sponsored by adidas, mizuno and mt riley wines in marlborough

for the last two years my ipod has remained unupdated. dan put some music on it before he moved back to england in november 2007. there's many reasons for this, but the main one is that i am dumb and a bit lazy when it comes to this. so, lots of pavement, everclear, all american rejects, the pixies and regina spector it is, mixed in with the soundtracks from the last kiss, grey's anatomy and scrubs. could really have done with a nerd boyfriend in this arena. but hey, at least i remembered to charge it this afternoon

i've run out of my lemon chill extreme endurance boost powder (with caffeine) right at the wrong time. i never thought that i would be the kind of person to have such a product and then actually use it

i keep wondering when this transformation took place. everyone assumes it's about taking control of my life, feeling better, becoming healthier. myresa had started to talk to me about this about 18 months and 25kg ago. but what really kickstarted it for me was this: spending the night wallowing in my bed with a box of scorched almonds and a bottles of wine, watching "leaving las vegas" after my ex told me he was now living with the woman he left me for. cue huge wallowing pity party for one, and waking up the next day, bound and determined that the original would be better, faster, stronger and far thinner than the upgrade. petty, really, but it's what drove me through the following 8 months. that's how long it took before i could own the activity and exercise as something i actually enjoyed doing

and now i'm back in the zone after a six week hiccup following the zombie flu of deathness

i've just stepped out of the zone briefly tonight for a few low carb beers and cigs, though

i wonder how long it will take me to walk the half marathon? my dad and his wife did it a couple of years ago, and i'd be mortified if i can't beat their time. i also really want it to be under 3 hours to rub that in someone else's face. so, with that in mind, over to you , captain jean luc picard

picard: "make it so!"

oh, and jean luc, about those foot rubs and back massage i want with my celebratory beers tomorrow night?

picard: "make it so!"

hey, thanks! hear that? if captain picard says "make it so!", you damn well make it so

chirst out

atonement

bike ride - caversham to port chalmers and back

atonement

20 minutes on the crosstrainer (hr 160 -175)

don 1 pair everlast boxing gloves (black) and start at the wall

run 10m out to richard, 10 jabs into the pads
run back to the wall
run 20m out to richard, 10 hooks into the pads
run back to the wall
run 30m out to richard, 10 uppercuts into the pads
run back to the wall
(three cycles)

lunge out with right leg, 2 jabs into the pads, drive up from lunge with left leg to 2X knees into the pads
lunge with left leg, two jabs into the pads, drive up from lunge with right leg to 2X knees into the pads
repeat walking lunges with jabs and knees across 40m room
run back to the wall
run out 10m to big body punching bag, 20 seconds "chugging" punches into the bag
run back to the wall, 10 sec rest
(three cycles)

5 running step ups
left jab, right hook and left uppercut combo into the pads (5)
5 press ups
left jab, right hook and left uppercut combo into the pads (5)
(five cycles)

run 10m out to richard, 10 jabs into the pads, 10 deep squats
run back to the wall
run 20m out to richard, 10 hooks into the pads, 10 squat-jumps
run back to the wall
run 30m out to richard, 10 uppercuts into the pads, 10 mountain-climbers
run back to the wall
(three cycles)

lie on back, legs raised 50cm off the ground, medicine ball balanced on shins
crunch up, two jabs into the pads
repeat to 10 crunches
run 40m across room and back
(three cycles)

why? because i got nowhere else to go and i wanna fly jets, sir

alright, mr, let's see those panties

graphite

listen up

is settling really that bad? (yes, yes it is)

do you really have a choice in it? (no, doesn't look like it)

do you really? (no, still doesn't look like it)

free will says you do, but free will talks crap a lot of the time (it sure does)

i wouldn't listen to a word it has to say, if i were you (ok, i won't. thanks for the advice)

that's quite alright

and your roof is looking good

atonement

today 0620

cross trainer - 20 minutes
treadmill - 20 minutes
spin bike - 20 minutes (alternating 2 minutes up, 2 minutes down)

today 1705

strength training program(me) that takes 1 hour 40 minutes

about face

oh hai

i'm off to see the world before i go to work

yesterday i slept until 1130am and couldn't get out of bed before 1400

today

apparently

is quite different

ezy brezy

oh hai good people at south dunedin video ezy

you may recognise me by sight when i come wandering into your store. i'm that girl that sometimes potters around for nearly an hour. sometimes you'll have seen me snickering to myself and mumbling 'ptsschhhh' and other times you'll have seen me quite obviously trying not to cry (success/failure rate for this is about 50% as you will have observed. check with andy bay woollies, it's about the same there, too)

i've been a good patron of your store for about three years now. and by good patron i mean some weeks i've had 8 or 9 movies out. i haven't always watched them all, but you're not to know that

so today when i asked you if you had charlie bartlett, i was less than impressed when

1. you didn't have it
2. you didn't know a thing about it
3. you didn't care to find out about it
4. you didn't offer to find out when it was being released in new zealand even though i could tell you it was a 2007 film that was released in australia on dvd in july 2009

so all i'm going to say is that i hate valentine's day better be kick ass

(having read the imdb page i have to say it's not looking good for you)

okibye

chirst

ps i also still hold a resentment towards the person that said 'having a bridget moment, are we?' when i got the two bridget jones movies out during the terrible bad time of 2006

pps also when people ask if you have 'kindergarten cop' or 'junior' you shouldn't laugh at them

state the obvious

finish work at 0715
sleep 0900 - 12-00
don't eat until 1845
drink 4 mac's spring tide low carb beers

this will put you in the frame of mind to turn the lecky blanky onto 3 and watch garden state

• dead mother
• occasional numbness to living
• pervasive hope that things will change for the better
• overhang of guilt about not doing better or living up to your potential
• previous member of the psychotropic drug club (lifetime membership cancelled february 2009)
• need to connect on a deeper level with someone
• constant search for meaning
• self medicating
• stationary position in life as peers move on/up/sideways
• autopilot

with a better soundtrack you could be andrew largeman

you're not though

so don't kid yourself

it really is

daytime eyes
a good enough disguise

pavement - fillmore jive

last one
last one
last one

day /night reversal is not for amateurs, you know

not
at
all

misery loves company

i estimate i may have gotten another two hours sleep over the last couple of days if it wasn't for this site

http://www.fmylife.com

and right now, i could be lying down, with the lights off, sucking the last possible resting time out of the day before i have to go back to work tonight

but no

i am not

read me like a book

this will be your new favourite book

rrp around $25 or one pair of crimson block printed hipster thunderpants

try not to get caught crying when you read it on your 0330am tea break

friday night lights

today is the day that has no end, because i start work at 2245 tonight

with that in mind, i had no qualms about staying in bed today until almost midday

i've made preparations for spending tomorrow in my fantastic bed, chasing sleep in the face of what yahoo weather tells me is going to be another fabulous day

i've cleaned up the cell to at least a B- grade and there are deliciously clean and crisp steel blue 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets on my bed

i've located new earplugs and have a choice of sleep masks to wear

and now i'm going to have a wee lie down until 2130, when i have to have a shower and make my dinner/lunch/breakfast/whatever the fuck it is you eat at 0330 in the morning

so, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight

atonement

wednesday 0610

• 20 minutes on the cross trainer
• 20 minutes on the treadmill, including running 2km
• 20 minutes on the spin bike, alternating 2 minutes up, 2 minutes down

wednesday 1645

• taxing weights/strength training program(me) that takes 1 hour 40 minutes

thursday 1640

• 90 minutes on the spin bike, alternating 5 minutes up, 5 minutes down

elementary

number of tiny mysteries i have created today:

one

spring tide has sprung, so count me in

i've been sprung doing a few questionable things this year. it makes you turn into a lying teenager at 34

in my 'glass half full' state of mind that i am trying cultivate with my new neural pathways that i buy on a plan ($85 a week) i've packed my gym bag for the morning. this will necessitate getting up at 5.15am, huzzah!

also in preparation for going to sleep at an early hour (better get a move on right smart, then) i've combined the last of my four mac's spring tide low carb beers with my handy dandy notebook i mean night sedation. it works a treat, and none of that pesky lying awake worrying about everything in the big bad world and what i should have said and not said and written and done and what will i do tomorrow and will it be okay i don't think i'm getting any thinner but i'm certainly stronger it will be okay it will be okay STOP!

when things get that bad i like to pretend that my toes are situated over the home keys on a keyboard and type out words using correct touch typing procedure. it's quite calming and soothing without being drugs and alcohol and cigarettes. bajoolies has also noticed in extreme times of (di)stress i like to do a little rhythmic counting with my fingers

the toes and the typing - secret and hidable
the rapid finger counting - a little more in the public eye

oh no, i see the aftermath of the muesli bar situation that followed the emergency cheese sandwich. even i am smart enough to know that there's no fucking point drinking low carb beer if you're going to eat sandwiches and muesli bars. or maybe that is the point - drink the low carb beer so you can carb supplement yourself as you see fit. yes, yes, i can clearly see this is the point being made right in the now, POW!

righto, even i can clearly ascertain that it was bedtime at least an hour ago

oh hai, spring!

i thought i would have been up and at the gym by now this morning

it's become quite apparent now that i'm not

i was awake at 5.15am, well before the alarm. it was very very windy, though

so i chose to stay in repose, thinking thoughts in my cocoon

but now it's time to play the music
it's time to light the lights