anticipatory grief

oh god
oh god
oh god

i don't want to get up
getting up will make today happen and it's going to be oh so very hard for me
(in a whisper *so very hard*)

to begin with, i'm physically ruined.  i did hard out abs stuff with richard on wednesday (atonement to be updated - along with the 3 week diet recall, yes, yes, i know chirstmas is coming too, hold your waters) and now i'm still in pain.  actual pain.  and yet at midday i'll be back at the gym, paying richard to inflict yet more pain on me.  because there's not too many ways to stop being a great big ugly manatee of a girl, and this corporal punishment is one of them

but the worst thing, the thing that i've been doing a build up to over the last few days is this:  it's my very last day at my job on the ward i've worked on for the last 5 years.  gulp.

my last educator day was on tuesday, and today is the third of three afternoon shifts on the ward.  i thought it would be a bit sad and bit hard, but the last two afternoons have involved increasingly difficult goodbyes with people, and today is the great big guest-of-honour afternoon tea.  people are coming in on their days off and people haven't been able to mention it without getting teary over the last few days. 

i knew i fitted in pretty well at work, and i got on pretty well with most people.  i felt blessed to have such a good group of people to work with, and  a good handful of those people became close friends.  but the outpouring of love and sorrow in my direction over the recent past has been overwhelming. 

gulp

i AM excited about my new job, but leaving my very first grown up job where i've made so many friends and gained such vast experience (that allowed me to get said new job) is heartwrenching

oh god
oh god
oh god

i'm going to hide in bed for a little bit more and listen to tony bennett and think about everything that is breaking my heart

it's not a long list, but it's an acute list and it fucking hurts

"so it seems that i'm someone i've never met"

"things have changed for me, and that's okay
i feel the same, I'm on my way, and I say
things have changed for me, and that's okay…

i want to go where everyone goes
i want to know what everyone knows
i want to go where everyone feels the same

i never said I'd leave the city
i never said I'd leave this town
a falling out we won't tiptoe about"

nurse chirsty

oh, fuck me but i am so fucking tired and over it

i pick sitting here with an excellent bottle of jules taylor 09 sauvignon blanc augmented with a few choice goodies over the alternative that is only very occasionally somewhat available for a limited time after a great big mind fuck before and after

it's somewhat akin to being on the methadone program but still having a weekly (or fortnightly, it's never up to you) heroin binge but kidding yourself that you're clean, you're giving up, you can handle it, it's just a bit of fucking fun, man

it's not fucking fun, man

it will kill you

office space

oh hai

and welcome to the end of a little chunk of my life

for the last 18 months or so i have held a reasonably grown up post at the hospital as part time clinical nurse educator for my service.  i've also been part time senior rn on the ward, but managed to be fulltime AWESOME

and today was the last of my educmacator days  (*last*)

i had a lovely lunch out where i was the guest of honour, and i have been super productive all day.  it's been a looooooooooong day, given i got here just after 8am and it's now getting close to 8pm

i've thrown out approximately 7 trees worth of paper whilst throwing myself around to the live cd of the pixies concert i attended in auckland - i finally realised just how drunk i/we were when i discovered that the concert was twenty times as long as i remembered and the first song i recognised was quite near the end.  in a nice touch of circularity my screensaver in my (former) office is a picture of me, mygirlcarrie and her husband chirs outside vector arena pre-concert.  none of us remember having that photo taken, but jebus do we look like we're having fun.  this presages tuesday where we're all reuniting in chirstchurch to see the pixies again - hey!

so, i've been saying goodbyes all day and talking about the past and the present and the future, and i've even paid someone $85/hour for the privilege of doing the same

therefore, i think a little treat is in order in chirstamaphone world

tonight's forecast:

1. nice bottle of savignon blanc - i feel an astrolabe coming on
2. thai takeaways from thai hanoi - spare ribs and chicken tom kar, om nom nom
3. nurse jackie
4. marlboro lights

that's right - i'm gonna drink, eat, smoke and chill the fuck out

so, educator's office - kthxbai

recap the hurt

just to remind you, let's take a look at the exercise quotient for the last week:

1. monday - biking and strength testing
2. monday - spin class
3. wednesday - spin class
4. thursday - spin class
5. friday -strength testing and boxing
6. saturday - advanced spin class (aka revolutions of death whilst caning your core)

so, looking at this list there are very good reasons as to why i'm in a world of hurt right now

no, i really am

i'm lying in bed, and as soon as  i get remotely comfortable i have to change position and stretch

it takes about 2 minutes for the comfort to wear off

i'm like a stop motion animation

make sure you buy the action figure coming out soon

it'll be a hooT

atonement

• 
  
  advanced spin class - 90 min

bed or shower?

what

a

conundrum

there will have to be a regeneration on a massive scale

in order to be in tip top form for hitting the town tonight

captain picard says ":make it so"

kthxbai

atonement

• final fitness test - bench press 30kg 20 times
• boxing - 25 minutes

very
very
tired

atonement

• spin class - 50 min

and ha ha, stinky - other side of the class from YOU

atonement

• spin class - 50 min

and next time i won't sit behind that stinky stinky boy whose stench made me gag every time the fan made a pass *retch*

he should also get that giant sticky out mole i could see through his singlet checked out, too

i swear, it nearly needed it's own bike

atonement

1130

fitness testing, where i was categorised as "average", probably because this time i didn't have gastritis and i also managed to 
LEG PRESS 100KG 21 TIMES

1315

spin class - 50 minutes

1630

45 minute walk around ross creek

consequently, i am very, very tired

i've lived it up a bit much over the weekend, and two nights of 4 hours sleep doesn't cut it
so tonight i might go to bed at 2030

if i can stay up that long

atonement

atonement is cancelled today due to gastritis

thank you

atonement

wednesday

• spin class (50 min) with two complimentary cramps for two calves (mine)

thursday

• demoralizing fitness testing whereby i get categorised as "poor"
• 20 min on the crosstrainer with my heart rate 180+

i don't know why it's called the cross trainer and why i should have to use it
i'm plenty cross already and i don't need any fucking training in it

so in general, universe, get fucked and fuck off, ok?  good

atonement

ok, so today held a trick or three

first of all there was the humiliating measurements and assessments

• 
  
  height
• 
  
  weight
• 
  
  bmi
• 
  
  blood pressure
• 
  
  measurements of every possible chirstcumference (i TOLD myresa my right calf was bigger than the left calf, i told her, i told her)
• 
  
  fat pinching
• 
  
  photographs (front, side on and back views) taken in bike shorts and crop top

and then there was

• 
  
  spin bike class (45 minutes)

and the eating and the planning and the denial went swimmingly well until later on tonight when i realised i was into my third glass of wine and cigarettes may or may not have been smoked and there was a bowl in the kitchen that had the remnants of raspberry icecream and choc magic incriminatingly melted onto it

i only stopped paying rigorous attention to myself for one minute and look what happened

just LOOK

it's true

i AM my own worst enemy

ring a ding ding

dear universe

so, i cleaned my room up yesterday - quite completely and comprehensively

now, my favourite rings weren't to be found in there, as i knew they wouldn't be

you KNOW where they are, as well do i

SO GIVE THEM THE FUCK BACK

okibye

chirst

(ps i also can't find my swarovski knock-off earrings, but i know they're not with the rings, so i'll just keep looking for them.  the rings though, if i were you i'd get right on that.  srsly)

atonement

wednesday

• spin biking class - 50 min (apparently we were doing the 9000th stage of the fucking tour de hell, if you believe the abiding crippling calf cramp i'm still contending with today - oh watch this space in a few days when i announce i've got a deep vein thrombosis)

thursday

• crosstrainer - 15 minutes
• boxing - 30 minutes

friday

• was supposed to be a 30 minute boxing session but actually it was 15 minutes on the crosstrainer and 15 minutes walking at incline on the treadmill while richard convinced me to enter this competition which is sort of like the biggest loser where you can win $5000 but the first (of many) catches and challenges is having your photo taken in bike pants and crop top on monday and then commencing a 20 week (five!  fucking!  months!) "challenge" (read: sentence) of food diaries, training regimes, punishing workouts, weigh ins, measuring and general merriment

but suck it scales - 3kg less in a week.  how?  don't know and don't give a good goddamn

ringmaster

dear universe

please send my rings back to me.  i misplaced them somewhere last week.  you know - the clear plastic one with silver glitter in it and the black and white glass one?  that's right, the grown up ones!

anyway, they mean a lot to me and i'd really like them back

plzkthxbai

atonement

• spin class - 45 min

and those bastard scales say awful things to me

bastards

atonement

thursday

• walking on treadmill - 15 minutes
• boxing - 30 minutes

friday

• walking on treadmill - 15 minutes
• boxing - 30 minutes

this morning during boxing i felt a little questionable and i had to ask richard if he would like to see some weetbix, and he declined so i kept them on the inside

and today the world doesn't love me like it did up until 2257 last night

today everybody hates chirs

given the choice, given the heart

i have stayed up far too late in my little world these last few nights

(ha ha, the funniest thing i have heard all week was when i was visiting bajoolies, and she said something to my brother as he passed by the living room and he leaned into the room and indicated the two of us with a wagging index finger and announced "ewww, don't try and drag me into your little world". it still keeps making me laugh, even now and yesiamberley and i have been saying it to each other and perspiring with hilarity because we're super grown up and mature. and awesome? yes, correct, advance to the next round)

and now i'm finally, finally FINALLY in my awesome bed
(when i get into my awesome bed i have to make a sound like a wookiee and then say "i love you, bed" out loud )

wearing my REM tour '05 t shirt

exactly how i will be a shiny happy person at 0645 tomorrow (which is really today, urgh) and ready to be Super Grown Up between 0730 - 1600 is something i will leave for tomorrow chirst to worry about. she'll have it sorted. she'd also better remember to pack my gym bag for after work boxing or there'll be trouble. you'd better believe it

so, what will tomorrow bring?

look, if i knew that i'd be rich enough to fund fun school - a concept that has been exciting and overstimulating a good many people in chirstamaphone world these last couple of days

so i guess i will wait and see

it's well known i like suprises     

it's well known i like NICE  surprises

atonement

monday

• spin class (45 min)

wednesday

• spin class (45 min)

to get through those 45 minutes of extreme cycling i like to compose screenplays in my head for my groundbreaking television series

i mean, who doesn't?