the pitter patter of little feet

i was up very early again this morning. 0550 on account of the work and the getting there and activities related to making this happen

and as i stood in the kitchen, having the first of my 8 glasses of water for the day (just like elle macpherson), something made me gasp and nearly contract aspiration pneumonia on the spot, which would have put a real downer on my day

it was the mouse. the mouse which is still unseen by anyone else in the household

he ran right past me and cunningly outwitted the nimble and lightning fast guard cat watching over the hole in the wall

lucky my training as a war photographer has skilled me to capture the aftermath. look away if you're of a squeamish disposition

a chirst by any other name

after careful consideration, i've decided to change my name by deed poll

you may now address me as sisyphus

let's see the noppets make an about face from the burgeoning 'auntie cheese' with that one

you can't defy the laws of physics, gym

i went to the gym after work with myresa. this is the first time we've gone together in about 17,000 years. (did i mention i'm somewhat given to hyperbole on occasion? i'm sure i have about twenty thousand million times)

there's a certain point during the session where i'm terribly hopped up on endorphins and adrenaline, and i'll do my damnedest to make her laugh. i'll usually employ quite deliberate and physical humour tactics, which more often than not involve elaborate and complicated dance routines with/without lipsynching. i'm sure the other patrons love them, too

tonight it was accidental. it seemed to take me forever to do the first set of side turny weighted things (technical name, look it up if you don't believe me), and we were both surprised when the second set was speedier

myresa: that didn't take as long that time
chirst: yeah, that's because i did them faster

ok, maybe you had to be there. it's funny, trust me, omg, you'll rofl, lol, lmao and pmsl simultaneously

tips for young players

things i have learned today:

>you're only aware of your uvula when there's something wrong with it

>it's nice when someone says 'you poor kid' instead of 'so don't you have comprehensive windscreen replacement insurance?'

>you may not have madonna arms (yet), but that doesn't mean you don't have bruce springsteen arms right this very second

>you can row 2km in 9 mins 20 secs, but you can't lunge with 20kg on the bar. yet

>endorphins are powerful magic

>when you accidentally say 'but i do hate you. i really do' out loud when having an imaginary conversation in your head at the caversham 4 square, the person who hears you will do an about face and walk away. quite quickly as it turns out

>your cellular mobile telephone will prompt you "do you want to send message now (2 pages)" but it doesn't give a good goddamn about deleting people immediately from your contacts list. cull away at will as the mood takes you, you won't regret it. promise

now i lay me down to sleep

and so the day of the great anger draws to a close

i'm so the calm little centre of the world now. no, really. it's back in the box, for now at least. when you've spent the last fifteen years trying to avoid getting angry, it's oh so cathartic to feel it and let it out in a polysyllabic manner when appropriate.

roast chicken with gravies and roast veges and a nice glass X 3 of vino helped a lot. and the gentle manner with which my fambily have treated me, too. they wisely recognise when a racecar is in the red. thank you, fambily.

got my blanket on, got my clean 400 thread count egyptian cotton sheets and my book. and my friend from around the road is going to give me a ride to work in the early am. lovely barbara, i thank you.

and so, goodnight

sunday, bloody sunday

i'd like to thank the corstorphine vandals who so completely and deliberately fucked up the windscreen on the mighty corona at 0210 this morning. silly me, the crash that awakened me at that time was not the wheelie bin being launched at the house, but you running over the bonnet of my car and jumping on the windscreen. i bet that was wicked fun, in fact, i know it was because as i was in my bed i heard you running up the street, laughing. thanks for making a great weekend even sweeter. i now realise smashing the side mirror off the car a couple of years ago and the giant cock you drew on it at the beginning of the year with a black vivid marker were just teasers as to what was to follow. good one, you're fulfilling your low socio-economic expectations brilliantly. i trust you'll keep it up.

thanks also to smith & smith glass, for routing me through about 72 people before taking 900 details only to say you'd call me back. sorry i was out, five hours later. i know it's unreasonable to expect a company that advertises itself in the yellow pages as a 24 hours, 7 days a week service to give me a ballpark figure for my windscreen. my windscreen on my car, you stupid bitch that talked to me. not my house. that windscreen is a-ok.

i'd also like to thank vodafone for the tremendous extra secret billing you've been sneaking onto my account, meaning that my internet access is now locked until you can sort it out on tuesday, neccessitating me to channel this rant through dial-up. that's all i'll say about this now, you'll have to wait until the episode of 'target' is screened on national tv. i'm not fucking joking.

people who are NOT on my hate list today include (but are not neccessarily limited to):

>my fambily. i have love for you
>myresa. i have love for you
>mykaryn. i have love for you
>constable from dunedin south who came to visit me. i have professional respect for you, and it hurt not one iota that you were very cute, very funny and around about my age
>somebody who called me on my cell and had an actual empathetic conversation with me about my worst sunday evurrrrrrrrr. i have gratefulness towards you

i am quite really very thankful that it's not the week of the drinking ban. silver lining, silver lining. i'll keep muttering that to myself as i play my new death cab for cutie cd that i had to buy myself to cheer myself up. i love you benjamin gibbard, we should collaborate on something together.

suck it up

so, for reasons that will not be gone into here (but i can't promise they won't be explored further another time, take that one to the bank) i found myself at the south dunedin video ezy at 2215 on a saturday night. shout out to robert smith just there, too. 'sup.

i was looking for something that would take me out of my own life for 110 minutes and possibly make me laugh till i cried. i'd already seen role models, and i could not bring myself to watch a grown up film, so i left benjamin button on the shelf.

i made it to the counter with the following weekly hires, because i knew in the crazy mad month of june, they're only $2 each during the weekend:

>knocked up
>what happens in vegas
>trainspotting
>unbreakable

and then i saw the sign that said "5 for $8". so i went back and got

>amelie

because i couldn't find 'junior' with arnold in it, and for reasons that are glaringly obvious, i could not bring myself to enquire as to it's whereabouts

and then i discovered that the liquorking on hillside road is open until 2300, so i availed myself of it's convenience and purchased a bottle of sauvignon blanc, just in case the 2/3 of the bottle i had left was not enough. the fear of never enough (of anything) is a driving force in my life, and could be responsible for some of the questionable decisions i've actioned thus far

and then i got home and discovered that the 2/3 bottle i had taken out (don't ask) had leaked all over the new bottle and the dvds. bonus.

so now i am watching knocked up for about the 5th time, because it has paul rudd in it, and seth rogen with his growly bear hurr hurr hurr laugh. the scene at the moment has lily allen's 'smile' playing in it, and the pavlovian response for me is to eye my phone.

paul rudd and seth rogen notwithstanding, i would rate this outing a suck factor of 8/10

and this post probably 6/10

through the looking glass

ok

the interweb is weird and magical and you'll get caught in it inescapably

http://videoezy.quebecblogue.com/2009/06/27/chirstamaphone-oh-hades-no/

it's like that letter that joey wrote to the adoption people on friends that time and it was signed "baby kangaroo tribbiani" because he had thesaurised every. single. word.

oh, hell no

i don't think dante ever considered some of the things that make up modern day hell.

imagine this, if you will.

it's saturday night. you're cold and you're cranky because you're not allowed any delicious soothing wine for a week. so you go to the supermarket, which not only taunts you with the best vino specials this year but there are nine thousand touchy feely loving couples rubbing their happiness in your face. it's a log jam of lust at the woollies, and nobody loves you and you will be old and die alone.

then you go to the video store, where approximately 76% of those couples have beaten you there. and they're taking the last copies of the movies you want to see in between licking each other's faces and talking weird made up language to each other.

that's okay. you can swallow down the bitterness like a jagged little pill because you get the latest paul rudd film, so it's all good. but the karmic trade off for that piece of luck is being stuck in line in front of two 13 year old girls who squeal and giggle and talk about nothing but 'twilight'. now, i too like edward cullen, but after listening to these two it's no wonder their mother is sitting in the car outside. it's also aces that the line takes 12 minutes to move, because then you get to hear the giggling for what feels like 15 years. it's super wicked cool, and i wish i had a track of it on my frickin' ipod.

the appropriate balm for the soul in this instance is to take deep south boysenberry icecream and totally cover it in that hokeypokey choc magic stuff. it's not a cure all, but damn it makes things feel a little better.

given the current level of discontent percolating in my system, i'm understandably a little apprehensive about tonight's pilgrimage to video ezy.

we all scream for eyes cream

ten dolphins in my brain

oh dear sweet magical powerful force that watches over all - i thank you that it's over

1km row - 4 min 10 sec
5km bike - 7 min 49 sec
2km run - 12 min 53 sec

while i'm here accepting the annual montgomery burns award for outstanding achievement in the field of excellence, there's a few people i'd like to thank:

my brother, for laughing and saying "sucks to be you" when i was trying to get my game face on before leaving

the very cute 20 year old who works at the gym for being assigned to record my times and see the prettiness up close. kudos to him for not flinching

the thoughtful man with terrible smell who chose to use the rower in front of my treadmill, in front of a fan. it was awesome how the odours were propelled onto me for the duration of the 2km, increasing my enjoyment level of the experience 9000 fold

myself, for not crying and throwing up until i got back to the changing room

my loving and supportive boyfriend, for picking me up out of the gutter where i tried to lay down and die on the way back to the car. it was also great when you held my hair back when i spewed, and when you shouted encouraging slogans at me during the event. you'll probably be in line for some sort of award yourself for such behaviour above and beyond

i can barely contain the excitement and anticipation i feel about the second and third upcoming events in the series. at the culmination of the last one, i'll get a free t shirt, though

here's my two cents: it had better be lined with $100 notes and/or give the wearer magical powers

the whole truth and nothing but

ruh oh, shaggy

it's t minus 120 minutes, where t = triathlon

never mind, because "here's the deal, i'm the best there is. plain and simple. i wake up in the morning and i piss excellence"

mind over grey matter

sometimes the best thing about being a girl is having a girl brain

but

sometimes the worst thing about being a girl is having a girl brain

underdone

these are my exact running shoes, the mizuno wave alchemy 7. i plan to wear them tomorrow

tomorrow is the first event in a 3 part series of indoor triathlons at my gym

oh noes. but oh yes

it sounds very little and easy: 1km row, 5km bike, 2km run

in actuality, it's horrendously tortuous and i'm afraid to go to sleep tonight because i'm woefully underprepared.

in fact, if i was chicken, i'd give you salmonella for sure

greg behrendt won't look me in the eye anymore, why is that?

"I had this guy leave me a voicemail at work, so I called him at home, and then he emailed me to my BlackBerry, so I texted to his cell, and now you just have to go around checking all these different portals just to get rejected by seven different technologies. It's exhausting."

and the blog, too, lady. don't forget that.

my boy is wicked smart

Sean: "She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other"

belief system

i do

oh

i do so want to

the oracle

time

will 

tell

tip of the day

it is unwise to consume the following in 12 minutes or less:

1 x cheese and onion burger
1 x piece of fish
1 x hotdog
1 x glass of full sugar raspberry fizzy drink
$1 worth of chips

it might be worth considering a stand down period of not less than 30 minutes before remembering there's a big hokey in the freezer with your name on it

up you wake

the morning madhouse doesn't sound like this

i had a cat called spike lee. i was the one that won the competition to name him, something that i feel perhaps remained a sore point for longer than it should

but it was the perfect name for him. because he was little, and black, and bug eyed

and it was 1994

and that's the truth, ruth

angel of the morning

blurgh
it's a bit early for this up and at 'em, atom ant caper

as you were

dood, what's my age again?

all of a sudden, i feel like i'm getting old. aging. getting a bit long in the tooth

the winter seems harder, and i'm feeling aches and pains in my knees and hips like never before

i fell asleep on the couch before dinner

all of these things would seem to imply a certain level of maturity

but i have to say, the funniest thing today was when a colleague of mine said 'doody'. the extreme hilarity i found in this seems to negate whatever perceived level of maturity i think that i've found

(ok, even thinking about it now i'm still laughing, because that shit is redonkulously amusing)

no scrubs

stupid future montage

doesn't matter if it's sad or happy

it'll make you cry

live in the now

today chirst to yesterday chirst

good call about the bra

not just a river in egypt

ok

i've narrowed down my main worry for tonight

the starring worry

the lead act

the headliner

it's this: i'm competing in an indoor triathlon on saturday, and i've done very little preparation.

the little i have done over the last 5 days has only highlighted just how hard this is going to be.

i'm sure everything will be just peachy keen. nothing bad will happen, and it will be aces high in fun. thank you river in egypt. i have loves for you

java script

i'm unsure as to whether it falls under the category of "courting your arse until it hurts" but if someone was to bring me coffee at work here's some pointers they might want to consider:

trim milk. always. because i'm in constant battle with the roundiness and my old bones need the extra calcium low fat dairy products provide. no osteoporosis here!

flat white only. no cappuccino. no mocha. no short black. no thank you, sir

the size and strength of the trim flat white will depend upon the place of purchase. here's some pointers in this department, too

the fix: large, standard strength
muffin break the hospital: medium, extra shot

before you (and anyone else reading) thinks "what a demanding bitch"! just remember
(as well as 'don't ask, don't get'):

i will be chuffed no matter what you bring if you come to visit me

and then, oh, we can start over again

teaser and the fire(lol)cat

these are some big tees

so are these T T T T T T T T T

messrs dilmah and twinings are big in teas

tomorrow is the biggest tease of my fortnightly payperiod (i'm fn1 in my place of work). it's the day before payday

so close, and yet

perhaps that's what annie (little orphan, not crummer) was thinking of when she sang "tomorrow, tomorrow, i love ya, tomorrow, you're always a day away"

who knows what tomorrow might bring?

oh, i'm pretty sure i do. betcha bottom dollar

back to the future

if there's one thing today chirst wants tomorrow chirst to know, it's this:

don't wear the itchy bra. seriously.

you are the only one that needs to know

everybody's somebody's, sometime

sisterhood of the travelling shoes

i had one eye on desperate housewives tonight, and i saw edie get electromacuted. (oh spoiler alert - sorry, that was a bit late)

now that was shocking enough (har har), but what did she have on her feet? converse chuck taylor low cut moss green slip ons, that's what.

who owns a pair of those, you want to know?

well, i do. i do, you know. I bought them in wellington earlier this year, for $29 on sale because they were very much the last pair a cool shop in cuba mall had. and just my size, thank you very cinderellamuch.

flicking through the new weekly a couple of months later, i spied a pic of jennifer aniston wearing the exact same pair. and not six weeks after that i saw uma thurman wearing them.

just so you know, this is how it works: there IS only the one pair, and we share them. fairly of course

it's working out better than when that katie price/jordan broke my adidas running shoes on that marathon. clearly, we're not friends anymore

misunderheard

that lady on the ad did NOT say "tombley boos may be found in the prepared meal section of your supermarket"

at least

i'm pretty sure she didn't say it

carnage stage set

hey, remember that mouse that only i've seen for real?

bajoolies found mouse poos in the bottom of the cheese crackers. oh noes, we said, trying to forget that we've been eating out of this packet of crackers until this very second and proceeded to break out the hi-tech $1.50 traps. they have a mouse crime scene investigation template preprinted on them, but i'm pretty sure we're going to be able to figure out what killed it

then came the preparation of said traps with peanut butter - a task fraught with the utmost of danger. bajoolies and i still have all of our digits, and i must report the setting has gone well

my room is off the kitchen. that means there's a reasonably good chance i'm going to hear the demise of the mouse. *SNAP* and since i'll be first up in the morning i'll be the first on the scene. i'm pre-declaring him Do Not Resuscitate in the event that he hasn't completely gone into the light

this is not quite the 'mouse over' i've been investigating, but it's always good to be rid of vermin

like, totally

the pretty acer and i have found another site over the last few days

www.totallylookslike.com

i swear, it's like a vortex and my life gets sucked into it

just like with those cats

the cuteness of

now that i have the super nifty mobile broadband for the pretty acer, i've been finding all sorts of productive ways to lose hours and hours of my life (as opposed to the thoroughly unproductive ways of the days of yore)

i discovered this site

http://www.nerdboyfriend.com/

someone once told me i needed a nerd boyfriend, and now i've found an infinity of them

oh, the cuteness of some of these pictures! check out the one of (sir) ian mckellen, all lanky and studious. or terence stamp with hair (now this is odd, because bajoolies and i were just talking about terence stamp today - and he doesn't just crop up all the time, you know). i also like the one of paul newman - he probably hadn't thought of his salad dressing when this was taken. sir ed also rates a place

john denver is in there too - when i was all of four years old i was convinced i would grow up to marry john denver but later on i was sure it would be officer john baker from chips

compound 2009

compound 2006

road rules

if anyone was ever to be considered for the borrowing of the mighty corona, the rules as thus must be adhered to:

you MUST wear a crystal gayle t shirt AT ALL TIMES
you MUST put the cougar back where you found it

conundrum

do you or don't you?

will you or won't you?

shall you or shan't you?

whatever

you can bet there'll be repercussions either way

three little words

disulfiram like reaction

oh noes

date line

okay

so

first dates

they're tricky. to rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme that's right on time, it's tricky, it's tricky (tricky) tricky (tricky)

you can pretty much tell within three minutes or less whether it's going to be shithouse or not. and fuck doctor phil, who was trying to tell me all sorts of crap last year, like women are too picky, women need to give guys a chance and maybe women need to think about settling or they'll be all alone forever until they die with no one to love them

sod the hell off, is what i say. respectfully, of course, dr phil

which is why i went on approximately 10 first (and only) dates last year. except for the 2 repeat dates, where dr phil got the better of me. and i was right. twenty thousand million percent right. should have stayed at home and watched entourage. except i do now have a couple of funny stories in my repetoire

i went on a first date tonight and i had a barrel of monkey's worth of fun

beers

boy suggests karaoke

girl makes executive decision to leave mighty corona in town. boy concurs is excellent decision

boy insists girl sings karaoke

boy insists boy and girl karaoke together in duet fashion. multiple times

lady at karaoke place recognises girl and tells her she's a good customer

lady at karaoke place gives standing ovation to boy and girl. twice

girl leaves boy after karaoke activity and bus at bus stop is correct bus for delivering girl home, and bus driver is a-ok about breaking a twenty for girl

girl gets home and flatties have put electric blanket on for girl. sigh

and this is almost the best part. because almost the best part can be the before the actual meeting, where you hope and you hope about how it might turn out. these hopes are usually dashed at at least the three minute mark. but if things have gone well, this next part can even better, because you've seen them, maybe touched or tasted them and maybe they've sung you 'she's always a woman' by billy joel. and sung it very well, too.

i'm going to liaise with dr phil and greg behrendt

they'll say: good luck to you sister. 6 years younger than you and looks like the younger brother of jack white, john mayer and a very young johnny depp in certain lights. let us know how it goes, chirst

righto. will do

pivot point

look closely

because surely this will be the best, most well composed and clearest picture of the crane that went down outside the hospital

you're welcome

headwind

it's pretty cold at the right now. chances are every single conversation you've had with anyone in dunedin at the moment has involved the dip in temperature, the advancing southerly front and the chance of snow. i'm guilty of it myself

heat pumps are purring around the city, fires are adding to the atmospheric fog and electric blankets are being praised

it's cold enough that i'm rugging up in a hat, scarf and gloves for the walk from the mighty corona to work. i have to say, i do miss my gloves with the animal finger puppets on them

myresa said i'm not allowed to wear my hat in public unless it is very very cold. she said it might impinge upon my chances of meeting a boy if he saw me wearing it. she issued this edict about this time last year, and has since reminded me of it

someone else once said that i'm not as cute as i think i am when i wear a hat like this

one time i arrived at work in my hat (after issuing the requisite hat warning to myresa via the cellular mobile telephone network) and one of our consultants saw me. now, i've seen him handle a myriad of tricky situations with aplomb and grace, but i saw him turn away and laugh a little before he was able to say "cold outside, is it?"

it's a given that i won't be wearing the hat on my date this week

see how i snuck that in there?

fraction too much f(r)iction

most of the time at work i am the calm little centre of the world

more and more lately, though, i'm starting to feel like jules in pulp fiction

i thought i was a racecar in the red (and you know it's dangerous to have a racecar in the red) but it's a little more combustible than that

in my job sometimes you get splattered with things that are worse than itty bitty bits of skull

but you can always call the duty co- ordinator, who, like the wolf, will come directly

lolcat of the day

he needs to push play

taking the mickey

so

last night i got home late, as you do from late shift. otherwise it would be called something different. i'd like to work the 'surprise in a good way' shift or the 'presents will now be distributed' shift. i'm putting my roster request in now

anyway, i was getting a glass of water in the kitchen, and i heard a rustling noise behind me.

naturally i turned around, a little apprehensive as to what i might expect to see at 0130 in the morning

and i saw the mouse in the fruit bowl

and he fixed me with his beady little mouse eyes and he said

"chirst, no one's gonna believe you. like the last three times we saw each other. why do you think i'm all up in this kitchen, in your fruit bowl at 0130? why do you think there's no traps here, hmmm? you wanna know where else i've been?"

and i said

"nup" and went to bed. because it was quite late, and i had work the next day

he's gonna try and get me though

betcha

mr chirst

watching this video must be magic, because i'm sure time has gone backwards an hour. which is dandy, really, because i'm falling behind in my schedule of showering, gathering food and finishing talledega nights before i go to work.

i lurrrrrrrrrrve paul rudd, and i'm pretty sure we'll be married sometime in the future. we'll look back at me joining a group on facebook called 'paul rudd bonertown' and laugh laugh laugh. 'ha ha ha' we'll trill

he can be in charge of the wedding dance, and i'll be on board with whatever he thinks. you can't deny the man has moves

and thank you, carrie. thank you

owner of a lonely heart

someone told me they loved me today

so, not accounting for all the nice feel good times like when bajoolies tells me she loves me, or maweeaaaa

or my sister

this is the second inappropriate 'i love you' directed my way this year

i tell you, it's redonkulous

neologism of the day

my new favourite word that is not really a word is

redonkulously

it's so special and amazing that i haven't said it out loud yet - just in my head

the jones roundup

friday night finds our heroine in bed with a bag of junk food and an apatow production

• cheese & bacon rashuns, 150g


• peanut m&ms, 2 X 55g packs


• kitkats, 2 X 45g (willy wonka feeling activated but grandpa joe didn't buy me the winning wonka bar this time either)


• diet lift (this negates the caloric intake from chocolate and flavoured corn snacks)


• forgetting sarah marshall

waiting in the wings are also 2 X weight watchers toffee pecan sundaes and talledega nights: the legend of ricky bobby.

it's worth noting there's no alcohol units in this list. possibly the virtue in this is also negated by the fact that i had mississippi mud cake for breakfast. but only possibly

lolcat of the day

there's always room for a little fear and loathing in the hill suburbs

bottle rocket

now, don't be surprised, but i buy my wine from a variety of places around town

like my papa i keep an eye out for the best specials from the supermarket. one time last year i went to countdown central specifically to buy a case of wine, but we won't speak of the awful and consuming rage that was provoked during that excursion. ssssssssh. even now i can barely think calmly about this, and it's been a good 7 months. bajoolies remembers it well

i've been known to stop by the liquor king on hillside road

i am the owner of a 4 square liquor save wine card, where once i purchase 12 bottles of wine that cost $10 or more, i get a free one

i also possess a betty's liquorstore locals loyalty card that chops 15% off the original price. so if i gave you an amazing bottle of central otago pinot noir for your birthday, i'm 15% cheaper than you think i am

but my FAVOURITE place to buy wine is at 26 moray bottle store. it's located at 26 moray place, so i don't know why they called the store that.

http://www.nzwinesonline.co.nz/index.pasp

lorelai gilmore from gilmore girls works there. i like to talk vino with her and her mum

krebs cycle

it's just starting to sink in that i've agreed to be part of a team biking the otago rail trail in a one day event in september. that's practically tomorrow

http://www.cyclingotago.co.nz/rtc100/index/htm

since i was 14 i've been on an actual bike in the actual real world once - and that was about 2 months ago. at the beginning i nearly cried and went home, but after 20km i was chock full of endorphins and aspirations of doing ads for kiwi beef and lamb and having my own sports clothing range for women

the other three women in the team are streets ahead of me in terms of preparation for the event, namely in that they all have bikes and can ride them without chanting 'don't hit me, don't hit me' as cars pass them on the road. they probably keep their eyes open going downhill, too

i'm also the baby in the group that prevents us from being in the 'masters' category. because of my genesis in 1975 we now have to compete in the 'open' category, which will involve 19 year olds that surely aren't feeling the unforgiving otago winter in their hips

i do have a bike helmet, though. of my very own. even though it says 'jemma' on the side

it's a start.

eighteen dollar baby

tomorrow is my first boxing session in three weeks

given that i've stuck to a rigorous and punishing training regimen of wine, cigarettes and the flu i'm not apprehensive at all

in fact, if this was an actual fight

i'd put ALL of my big wednesday money on myself, and i'd advise you to do the same

family ties

this is picture of me and my brother

i've been a paid up member of his household for three years now

he is a wealth of knowledge when it comes to the members of society who possess the genotype XY (knowing genotypes is invaluable when it comes to playing with punnet squares. but don't get all confused with strawberries; they come packaged in square punnets)

my brother knows what a massey ferguson is off the top of his head. that saved me and bajoolies a trip on the information superhighway

the other evening i was having a little scroll through the interweb dating and there was this guy who was quite particular and rigid about his lifestyle. he put it out there that he spent at least 30% of his time on the ps3 and another unspecified percentage of his time engaged in other types of role playing games. his expectation was that a potential mate would understand this, and not try to change him. he was also quite very clear about not wanting to engage with the world outdoors.

given that at least 30% and unspecified % doesn't include eating, sleeping or other miscellaneous activities related to living what many would call a well balanced life, bajoolies and i were somewhat curious as to how a girlfriend would fit into this equation

and my brother was all eye rolling and incredulous, because it's incredibly obvious:

"so she can bring him stuff while he's on the playstation"

duh

rachel zoe of 9012

this is my new t shirt. bajoolies got it for me on one of her magical forays into the world of opportunity shopping.

bajoolies is my sister-in-common-law and one of the reasons that i love her is that she unquestioningly buys me items of clothing that are clearly labelled 'S' or '12-14'. in america this equates to size 000. trust me.

other things she has presented me with include (but are not limited to): $3 italian leather knee high boots, a green leather handbag and some wicked cool charcoal grey trousers with lighter grey circles on them.

sometimes i get home from late shift at the health factory and i find offerings arranged on my bed. the 'feeling loved at home' skyrockets exponentially when i also discover that my electric blanket has also been activated.

so i'll say it again: i love my bajoolies

income/expenditure

kernel of truth

you think you want it

you really think you do

you tell yourself that it'll be great

that you'll be satisfied

and that it won't make you feel sick or disappointed in yourself this time

it's not the caramel popcorn's fault. it can't help being what it is.
and caramel popcorn can't change


the cartesian dualism in effect here is quite astounding

An island of such great complexity

Pavement are one of the best cool things I remember from the 1990s

And Stephen Malkmus remains one of my favourite lyrical geniuses of all time

He can be in the Dream Team with Benjamin Gibbard and Neil Finn

Death Cab for Cutie-Talking Bird (Live From Seattle)

some people are on infinite repeat

lolcat of the day

the lady across the road walks her cat on a leash

she does TOO

day of reckoning

so anyway

happy birthday

Death Cab For Cutie - I Will Possess Your Heart (Live In Studio)

like a book elegantly bound

so if this was a movie it would have worked out like this:

girl and boy meet on the interweb (that's the proper name for it). girl and boy share many varied and enriching activities together over the span of four or five months. there's a lot of montage and split screen. and devices. always with the cinematic devices. and a kick ass indie rock soundtrack. boy and girl share many common interests, like reading - they talk lots and lots about the books. the boy loves books but he hasn't read one he likes for a while. the girl is intrigrued - if she finds the right book for him he'll be captivated by her. mesmerised and awed, even. possibly, no, definitely humbled. and the girl knows that the boy's birthday is coming up (she looked in his wallet one time when he was out of the room. this comes across as endearing and not at all creepy and weird. and all girls do it. trust me). the girl subtly steers the conversation around to books that she has really liked, and discovers that the boy hasn't read them. so, over the course of the fortnight leading up to the boy's birthday, the girl finds three of these books on trade me that she thinks the boy will really like. like, really, really like. and she bids on them. and yay for the girl, she wins those auctions! and it looks tricky, because time is running out and one of the books is yet to arrive. but, whew, look, it's the day before his birthday and a nice brown paper parcel arrives at the girl's house JUST IN TIME. and she wraps the books nicely in quirky and interesting paper and takes them over to the boy's house and then........

but really, what happens is this:

the girl now has two copies of the time traveler's wife and the vintner's luck.
one for each eye. what a lucky girl!

enema of the state

i told you i know tricks

maaaaaaaagical tricks

lolcat of the day

dichotomy

i has it

cock(le bay) up

0530 wake up

0545 get up

0555 scrub up

0615 dress up

0635 rev up

0700 listen up

0715 - 1550 act grown up

1720 drink up (repeat as desired/necessary)

1740 cook up

1840 eat up

1910 clean up

1930 fed up

2030 chin up

2230 rest up

danger, will robinson

i guess with enough crc it's not going to be so bad



because really





it's not looking any better



in fact



the situation is worsening exponentially as we speak

10.59pm

bend me, shape me, any way you want me

so

after extensive and exhaustive searching, i think i may have found my perfect match

he drinks, he smokes, he's funny, he'll never be faithful and he's guaranteed to treat me like crap. naturally, i can't resist his magnetic pull

i'm sure we'll be ecstatically happy forever after

although i'm a little unsure as to what the kids are going to look like

lolcat of the day

i did have a cat once

he lolled, but he didn't really 'lol'. i really hate 'lol'

and we used to call him 'batman head'

because, well......

oh hai

oh hai

i can has blog?