hope the time is right for it

you can kid yourself for so long, and you can kid your expensive friend for so long

like, 5 years or so and counting - at least. let's just concentrate on the recent past and not ancient history

what a waste - time, money, life unlived, potential unfulfilled, yada yada yada

and then there's the two years you spent in the shit storm hell of push/pull compulsive masochism without chemical augmentation

but suddenly you're there, in the moment and with the man your life seems to have been leading up to
and even though it's everything you've wanted and hoped for and thought you'd never get - to have it is too much because it's foreign and frightening, and you find you can't ante up without more than a little something something, and then a lot more of a little something something

so you're back on the ssri slow dance in order to cope with the lovely man who is lovely to you - go fucking figure, right?

and believe me, it's a s_ l_ o_ w dance.  days are weeks, weeks are months and let's not think about the possibility of years

so stick your fingers in my mouth, pull my lips back and watch me smile - oh, i take direction so so well

and god help me, but i think mr d'arcy going to catch me on my troubled portion

minerals, ice deposits

rhys would have been 38 today

i still pretend he lives in wellington

i realise that's not as easy for other people in his life to do, but hey - whatever gets you through, right? (and quite obviously by you, i mean me, hey?)

when i went to pavement in auckland last year he was all i could think about through the two bottles of sauvignon blanc and the bourbon and coke chasers, surrounded by all the same people that we used to go and see pavement with at sammy's in 1993 and 1994

that's a long time ago - at least three of my lifetimes ago.  quite the time warp - way more than just a jump to the left

this was always my favourite pavement song, right from the first time i heard it at the ripe old age of 17 and rhys used to say it reminded him of me, no doubt because of the line "i saw your girlfriend and she was eatin' her fingers like they're just another meal", me having been a recidivist nail biter since back in the day

he's still in my life and i think of him often - there's so much common musical discovery we had together

i just wish i could share with him some of the new stuff i've found and learned, because i miss my friend

but that's nigh on imfuckingpossible

so i'll just wait there, in the levee wash, mixin' cocktails with a plastic tipped cigar

i'll be waiting forever