anticipatory grief

oh god
oh god
oh god

i don't want to get up
getting up will make today happen and it's going to be oh so very hard for me
(in a whisper *so very hard*)

to begin with, i'm physically ruined.  i did hard out abs stuff with richard on wednesday (atonement to be updated - along with the 3 week diet recall, yes, yes, i know chirstmas is coming too, hold your waters) and now i'm still in pain.  actual pain.  and yet at midday i'll be back at the gym, paying richard to inflict yet more pain on me.  because there's not too many ways to stop being a great big ugly manatee of a girl, and this corporal punishment is one of them

but the worst thing, the thing that i've been doing a build up to over the last few days is this:  it's my very last day at my job on the ward i've worked on for the last 5 years.  gulp.

my last educator day was on tuesday, and today is the third of three afternoon shifts on the ward.  i thought it would be a bit sad and bit hard, but the last two afternoons have involved increasingly difficult goodbyes with people, and today is the great big guest-of-honour afternoon tea.  people are coming in on their days off and people haven't been able to mention it without getting teary over the last few days. 

i knew i fitted in pretty well at work, and i got on pretty well with most people.  i felt blessed to have such a good group of people to work with, and  a good handful of those people became close friends.  but the outpouring of love and sorrow in my direction over the recent past has been overwhelming. 

gulp

i AM excited about my new job, but leaving my very first grown up job where i've made so many friends and gained such vast experience (that allowed me to get said new job) is heartwrenching

oh god
oh god
oh god

i'm going to hide in bed for a little bit more and listen to tony bennett and think about everything that is breaking my heart

it's not a long list, but it's an acute list and it fucking hurts